Unspoken
by WhatWasOnceSilver
Summary: Daltonverse. In which Julian is mute. AU Jogan


**Title:** Unspoken

**Author:** Margaret/WhatWasOnceSilver/whatwasoncesilver

**Rating:** T

**Word Count:** 6,234

**Pairing:** Julian Larson and Logan Wright from CP Coulter's _Dalton_

**Summary:** Daltonverse. In which Julian is mute. AU Jogan

**Warnings:** Slash, alternative universe, moderate swearing, minors having non-graphic sex, major off-screen violence, disturbing imagery concerning anxious reactions

**Dedicated to:** My lovely friend Lizzie, whose birthday is soon!

**Author's Note:** The song used is "Echo" by Jason Walker. Also I have no idea whether the traumatic disorder Julian has actually exists, so I probably made that up. Yeah.

* * *

"_Logan!_"

Logan starts violently and cringes, turning around to meet a grinning face.

"Jesus _Christ_, Derek. Do you _have_ to do that?"

Derek's grin grows bigger, if anything. "'Course I have to. It's all part of my master plan to knock five years off your life, remember? Hey, c'mere. Missed you over break, buddy!"

Logan lets out an involuntary "oof" as Derek grabs him and thuds their chests together in a hug, giving manly pats to his back.

"Derek," he says. "What did I tell you about hugging me? It's uncomfortable. Stop."

Derek just rolls his eyes and pulls back. "Just as pleasant as ever, I see. Judging by your subdued reaction to my magnificent self you'd almost think you weren't glad to see me."

"I saw you two weeks ago."

"So? Wouldn't you be happy to see me after spring break? That's only two weeks."

"We spend spring break together, Derek."

"Fine, fine. Not happy to see me, I get it. I have to go find Bailey now. Holler if you see anything, m'kay?" He runs off, waving, and gets briefly lost behind book bags and moving bodies before he rounds a corner and is gone.

"…holler if I see _what_?" Logan murmurs to himself. Figuring he's never going to get an answer to that one, he turns around –

And immediately sends an assortment of slim folders and notebooks flying as he crashes into someone. He starts a bit and then kneels down automatically to help gather the materials.

"Sorry, I'm kind of out of it today," he apologizes (even though it's not really his fault) as he reaches over to catch a rolling pencil. He gets the objects more or less in order and rises to his feet to face the boy he bumped into.

The student is brunet, with striking brown eyes, and is standing there with the utensils he's picked off the ground, blinking.

Logan frowns a bit and holds out the notebooks. "Here you go."

The boy takes them slowly, eyes trained on Logan's face (warily, it seems). He doesn't say anything.

Logan's brow furrows a bit. "You're new here, aren't you?" The school isn't very big, and he knows most of the boys by sight, if not name.

The brunet blinks a few times. His lips make some small movements, as if preparing to part fully, but they don't. He continues to stare.

Logan clears his throat in annoyance. "Is something wrong?"

The boy's gaze flickers down and to the side before rising to meet Logan's eyes again. He says nothing.

"Look, I'm just trying to be helpful," Logan practically growls.

The boy blinks and opens his mouth, succeeding only in closing it and repeating this pattern once more before finally snapping his jaw shut and looking on helplessly.

Logan feels a flicker of worry. "Are you okay?"

There's a shuffling sound as the guy redistributes the supplies in his arms, and then his hand reaches up to press against his throat, as if trying to send a message. Logan watches as he gestures again, gaze flickering between his hand and his Adam's apple, which bobs when he swallows. The boy's lips twitch and his hand drops to his side, helpless.

Logan's eyes narrow in consideration. "Are you dumb? I mean – mute?"

There's a beat, and then the boy nods.

"Oh." Another beat. "My bad, then. Do you want me to walk you to the principal's office?"

The brunet hesitates for a moment before nodding.

Logan jerks his head. "This way." The brunet slides into place next to him as they walk and Logan sticks out his hand. "I'm Logan, by the way." The newcomer's gaze flickers quickly between Logan's face and hand before giving the latter a swift shake and pulling away.

The walk to the office seems longer than usual (just because the silence can't be helped doesn't make it any less uncomfortable). Logan doesn't really see the point in talking about himself the entire time, so he just shuts up and strides forward.

It's a relief to finally be able to push three hard knocks onto the solid wooden door of the principal's office. They're met with an absent "come in," and Logan pushes the barrier out of the way before the voice has even finished speaking.

Principal Hill is leaning over her desk with glasses framed in black and her hair in a ponytail, looking over some paperwork. She glances up as the boys come in.

"Ms. Hill, this is – a new student. I – uh. He doesn't…"

The blonde glances at the silent newcomer. "Julian Larson?"

The brunet gives a quick nod after a moment's hesitation, holding his notebooks to his chest awkwardly, and Principal Hill gives him a warm smile.

"We've got all your paperwork done, so you can go straight to your room. Logan can show you the way. He's the prefect for your house. You can do that, can't you, Logan?"

Julian glances at Logan, who nods. "Yes, ma'am. We'll get out of your hair." Julian comes forward to retrieve his key and Logan holds out a hand to usher him out of the room, giving one last nod to the principal before shutting the door.

…

Logan doesn't know what to do to make Julian feel welcome. How are you supposed to make a _mute_ kid feel at home in an environment filled with loud, obnoxious teenage boys, for Christ's sake?

Logan hangs out with him in his room sometimes, feeling extremely awkward. But it's not like he doesn't ask first, okay? And more often than not, there are other dudes involved as well.

(That didn't come out right.)

(Moving on.)

It's during one of these times that Wes accidentally steps on Julian's foot and the brunet yelps. Wes turns around, blinking, and says, "Oh – sorry, man, I didn't think you were so close. My bad." Julian just watches as he exits the room with David and Thad, jovial, explaining that they need to go work on a science project. Logan just ignores them and stares at Julian.

"You made a sound."

The brunet turns to look at him and blinks, finally answering Logan's question of whether or not he can actually hear.

"Have you been – _faking_ this entire time?"

Julian looks like Logan slapped him. His mouth opens and closes a few times and tears spring to his eyes helplessly. Logan is taken aback.

Blinking a few times, the brunet looks around and reaches for a notebook on his desk, sliding it to the edge so he can write something. He pauses, looks like he's in pain, rubs a hand over his face, and finishes. He shoves it over to the very edge of the table and Logan comes forward to read it.

_It's a cognitive disorder. Every time I try to talk I panic._

Logan looks down at it for a bit before he glances up at Julian, who is staring at his hands. "Oh," he says simply, and it starts raining outside.

…

Logan crosses his arms and stares at Thad, who is glaring at him, annoyed. "I know where you live," says the black-haired boy.

"No you don't," says Logan.

Thad glares at him some more. "I can find out where you live."

"Thad, just because you don't like my decisions as leader of our econ group doesn't mean you get to _harass_ me – "

His words come to an abrupt halt when he sees Julian out of the corner of his eye. The brunet's got a look of surprised fascination painted onto his striking face, and when Logan follows his line of vision he sees rehearsals for the drama department's latest musical production – _Oklahoma!_? – going on.

"Hold that thought, Thad."

Thad blinks at Logan's back. "Hey! You can't just – stop, you – Logan!"

Logan ignores him, just walks until he can stop in front of Julian, who turns his head to look at him.

Logan raises an eyebrow. "Are you an actor?"

Julian blushes. He chews on his bottom lip.

Logan turns to see Aunt Eller chastising the young'uns for their inability to successfully coordinate congenial cowboy-farmer relations. "A singer?"

Julian looks up at him and blinks, making no real response.

"Both?"

Julian doesn't move at all for a moment – then he nods hesitantly.

Logan regards him critically. "Can you sing? I mean, in the way you can't talk?"

Julian hesitates before shaking his head.

"Come on."

Julian's head jerks up and he just stares until Logan takes his hand impatiently and tugs him along.

Julian stumbles a bit behind him until Logan lets go of his hand and pushes the door of a practice room open. He raises his eyebrow when Julian just stands there, peering in at the piano. "Well?"

Julian jolts and goes. Logan closes the door and takes his hand to drag him over to the piano bench. "C'mon, sit with me."

Julian does, but he clears his throat and gives Logan a confused look as well.

Logan shrugs. "Haven't you ever had someone sing to you before?"

Julian gives him a blank look.

Logan blinks back at him. "Well, that's unfortunate. You deserve to be sung to. And I don't care if you think that's corny, because I'm going to sing anyway and you can criticize me all you want at the end of it."

Julian blinks at him as he starts playing the intro, eyes glancing down at the curve of his fingers as they press at the keys.

"But it's been a while since I've done this particular one, so go easy on me, okay?" Logan says, and starts signing.

_Hello, hello  
Anybody out there?  
'Cause I don't hear a sound  
_

Julian blinks and frowns. He doesn't know this song.

___Alone, alone  
I don't really know where the world is  
but I miss it now  
_

Julian shifts a bit closer until their thighs are touching and lets his eyes flutter all across the keyboard, fascinated with the way the black and white keys work together.

_I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
like a fool at the top of my lungs  
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right  
but it's never enough_

Julian glances up at Logan, who's looking at the image of his fingers through the piano's reflective wood.

_'Cause my echo, echo  
is the only voice coming back  
My shadow, shadow  
is the only friend that I have_

(Julian is studying his face now.)

_Listen, listen  
I would take a whisper if  
that's all you had to give_

Julian flinches, but Logan doesn't notice.

_But it isn't, isn't  
You could come and save me and  
try to chase the crazy right out of my head_

Julian runs his fingers through his own hair.

_I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name  
like a fool at the top of my lungs  
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right  
but it's never enough_

___'Cause my echo, echo  
is the only voice coming back  
My shadow, shadow  
is the only friend that I have_

Julian leans against Logan lightly. He doesn't want to impair his playing, but – Logan said he was singing for him, right?

(And he doesn't want Logan to be alone.)

___I don't wanna be down and  
I just wanna feel alive and  
get to see your face again  
_

_______I don't wanna be down and  
I just wanna feel alive and  
get to see your face again_

_But 'til then..._

Julian's fingers trace over the keys lightly near where the keyboard ends, too faintly to make a sound. He doesn't want to add dissonance.

_____Just my echo  
My...shadow  
You're my only friend and I'm_

_Out on the edge and I'm screaming your name  
like a fool at the top of my lungs  
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm all right  
but it's never enough_

_'Cause my echo, echo  
Oh, my shadow, shadow_

It's darker than Julian thought it was outside, the sun getting lazy in the sky. The window is closed against the autumn chill.

_Hello, hello  
Anybody out there?_

Logan lets the music bleed out into silence like he was always taught, thinking that this would probably be a whole lot more effective if he had drums or a guitar or something. Eventually he takes his foot off the pedal and lets his fingers fall from the keyboard.

Julian is gazing at the keys, but when Logan turns to look at him he meets his gaze. Logan smiles.

Julian swallows, looks away, licks his lips, and licks them again. He puts a hand on one knee and jiggles it vibrantly before looking up at Logan once more.

"Thank you," he whispers.

…

"You fell for him really hard, you know."

Logan's got a foot on his knee, clasping the other one in his hands. The slight curve that had lifted his lips while he watched Julian play soccer slips off.

"No, Derek, I wasn't aware of that."

Derek shrugs. "You should probably stop doing that."

"Yes, because it's completely within my control, isn't it?"

Derek sighs and lets his chair fall so that all four feet are on the ground again. "Look. There's just – a pattern emerging here, all right?"

Logan doesn't deign to respond.

Derek's eyes flick out to look at Julian briefly. "You haven't been…pursuing him," he says, softer than before.

Logan turns to meet Derek's eyes, and doesn't answer until they've looked at each other for a while. He returns to looking at Jules. "Are you complaining?"

"No. But it makes me wary. How much do you like him, exactly?"

Logan shrugs.

"Logan."

"What?"

Derek chews his bottom lip. "Does he like you?"

"No, Derek, he hates me. That's why he always lets me hang out with him."

"Logan. Does he like you like you like him? Does he – like dudes?"

"I don't know. And…I don't know."

"Well this is clearly a productive conversation."

Logan scowls at him. "What exactly do you want from me here?"

Derek sighs. "I just…you have a hard enough time with people who _can_ talk, you know? You're not good at this and you've already injured yourself enough in the few years I've known you."

"Your faith in me is astounding."

"It's not about how much I believe in you, Logan," Derek growls. "You know that's not how it works."

Logan runs a hand through his hair and watches as Julian's face breaks into a grin, a pleased flush covering his cheeks as the guys around him whoot and bounce up and down, thumping him on the back in a show of bro-affection and congratulation for the goal he's just made.

"Yeah," Logan says at last. "I know."

…

The inevitable happens.

…

Logan skids around the corner to see Julian at the base of a wall, back pressed against the concrete and knees against his chest. His arms seem to be trying to shield his head and he's shaking violently, wrapped up into himself as tightly as humanly possible. There's a police officer kneeling down in front of him, but he doesn't even try to acknowledge her presence.

Logan runs right up to him and kneels down as well, ignoring the officer's hand reaching out to tell him that probably isn't the best idea. He reaches his own hand out hesitantly before stopping, wondering if he should even be trying to touch him.

"Julian? Jules. Jules, hey."

Julian's head jerks up sharply, eyes wide. His face is shockingly pale, glazed with sweat and the tears that are covering his cheeks.

When he meets Logan's eyes his mouth opens and closes rapidly, and then he's hurtling himself forward and into the blond's grip, arms wrapping around his waist so tightly it hurts as he sobs into his chest.

Logan pulls him more securely into his lap, gently but as quickly as he can manage, and tries to ensure that his strokes through the brunet's damp hair are not frantic. His nose buries itself into those soft strands and smells sweat.

"Shh, it's okay, it's okay. She's fine, you're fine, nothing is going to happen to you. You did nothing wrong, okay? You did everything right. Everything, Julian. Okay? There's no reason to be ashamed."

Julian just sobs harder, clutching at the back of Logan's sweatshirt, and the blond can feel his heart beating frantically through their clothes.

Julian doesn't let himself get peeled away for another couple of minutes, and when he finally manages to stand on shaky legs he clutches Logan like he's the last anchor he has in the world. (For all Logan knows, he might be.)

They go to the hospital and Jules gets a blanket to treat his shock. It's blue.

Logan finds little smears of blood on the back of his sweatshirt where Julian clutched him.

…

He learns the details of what happened later.

The girl had been visiting her brother – he must live in a different house; Logan doesn't recognize the name – when a guy _stabbed _her.

Which – who even _does_ that, in this day and age?

(Crazy stalker ex-boyfriends, apparently.)

He doesn't want to imagine what Julian must have come across, doesn't want to imagine the girl's unseeing eyes, the ripped clothes, the blood pooled all around her –

Doesn't want to, but he can't stop seeing it. Can't stop imagining Julian's eyes widening in horror, his heartbeat going off the charts, his palms sweating, his body shivering before freezing, his throat tightening.

Logan can't imagine how much it must have taken for Julian to even remember where on his person he kept his cellphone, doesn't know if Julian fumbled or dropped it in his panic, doesn't know how many times Julian tried to call 911 and had to hang up because his body just wouldn't let him get the words out of his throat.

All he can imagine is Julian sinking down to lean against the concrete wall a few inches away from the bleeding body, skin trembling and phone clamped to his ear tightly. He can imagine how hard the brunet must have clenched his other fist to leave the marks the nurses treated at the hospital, can imagine how much they bled and how little Julian noticed it.

He can imagine Julian squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth before finally managing to choke out where he was and what – who – he'd come across before his hand just refused to hold on to the phone any longer. He imagines the way the expensive piece of equipment slipped out of his sweaty grip and dropped into a grimy puddle next to him.

And the thing he keeps thinking about each night before he sleeps is the way Julian must have bit his tongue until it bled, the way little streams of scarlet must have meandered down both wrists from where both sets of fingernails bit into his palms. He keeps thinking about the way Julian must have curled up into a small bundle of sweat and fabric and skin until he made himself believe he didn't exist anymore, and the way he stayed absolutely silent even when he couldn't stop shaking.

…

Julian wanders around in a kind of daze after that. Logan doesn't hear him speak at all.

He's exempt from classes for a while, and Logan always goes directly to check on him when his own classes are done for the day. More often than not, he's sitting on the side of his bed staring at the floor or his hands, and doesn't seem responsive to Logan's footsteps or even the sound of his knock. Logan will hesitate, not sure what to do as he sits on the bed next to his friend. It's terribly cliché, but Julian's eyes are always pale and kind of glassy, like they've lost a connection with world around him.

Logan tries to tell him again, once, that it's not his fault. Julian curls up on his bed and won't eat anything, and Logan goes away.

…

The day before the thunderstorm, Julian goes outside to see Logan smoking a cigarette, which he does sometimes when he's stressed. It's not often – he hasn't done it in months – but Julian is getting thinner, and stiller, and fuck it, he's worried.

Julian stops in front of him as Logan notices, and when he turns his head the brunet is looking at him with what could be disapproval.

"Hey, Jules," he says.

Julian doesn't say anything.

Logan sighs and leans over to put the cigarette in an ashtray that's been designed into a black trashcan. When he turns back he blinks, surprised to see Julian closer, surprised that the brunet would tolerate the stench of cigarette smoke. But Julian just leans on his shoulder and sighs, slumping against Logan heavily with a kind of tired vulnerability he never willingly shows anyone else. He looks so jaded, and so beautiful.

Logan puts an arm around his shoulders and tugs him close, letting Julian droop against him with fluttering eyelashes, arms going around Logan's waist from a somewhat awkward angle. They stay like that for a very long time, and it's horribly perfect.

The next day, Julian goes out into the ice-cold rain and doesn't come back.

…

Logan shuts the door with his foot, removing the soggy scarf from around his neck and wringing it out, ignoring the dirty look Thad sends him for leaving a puddle by the door. He looks up to see Derek coming toward him with a concerned expression.

"Is Julian with you?" he asks, stopping in front of the blond. Logan raises an eyebrow and slips the hat off his head, wringing it out as well and causing Thad to throw his hands up in despair.

"Yes, yes he is, Derek. As you can see, he's acquired a cloak of invisibility and is, in fact, standing right beside me as of this very moment."

Derek scowls. "It's not funny, you ass. He went out with only a T-shirt on and hasn't come back."

"What?" Logan feels his eyebrows knit together. "Why didn't you go after him?"

"I assumed he was going to meet you! In a practice room, or something. That's where you usually are. And they're less than three minutes away."

Logan shifts, unsettled. "When was this?"

Derek shrugs. "I don't know, I wasn't counting minutes. A while ago."

"A while ago as in fifteen minutes or as in an hour?"

Derek just stares at him blankly and Logan feels his heart falter, reminiscent of the way your stomach lifts when you're in an airplane that takes a sudden dive and you feel like you're going to die.

"Shit," he says. "_Shit_."

He leaves the door open when he goes back out into the storm.

…

Julian has always been afraid of the cold.

…

Always.

* * *

When Julian comes to, his head is in Logan's lap and the blond is stroking through his hair gently. Julian blinks, shifting under his cocoon of blankets, and Logan's hand stills before tugging him even closer. Julian looks up in time to see Logan swallow before letting out a shaky breath.

"Hey," he says.

Julian blinks. Logan curls his fingers against his cheek, surprising the brunet with how good it feels. His eyes flutter shut and he headbutts into Logan's palm like a puppy asking for attention until the blond resumes stroking his hair. It makes him so happy he starts to purr, wiggling contentedly under the blankets.

Logan's other hand turns until its back is stroking down the side of Julian's face with a tenderness (and fear) that's overwhelming. "You scared the shit out of me, Jules," he murmurs as the hand drops away.

Julian's eyes open again but stay lowered, too ashamed to rise, as he turns his head toward Logan slightly in guilt.

"Don't ever do that to me again," Logan says, and it sounds like he's begging. "Please don't."

Julian clears his throat, eyes lowering further. "Sorry," he manages. "'M sorry."

Logan puts his palm flat against Julian's chest and feels his heartbeat racket up with the anxiety of speaking. He sighs, and Julian's fingers come up to curl around his hand, holding on tight.

Logan maneuvers Julian by tugging at his side until he rolls to face Logan, who draws his legs up onto the couch and lies down to face his friend, pulling the thick blankets around them both. He coaxes Julian's hands into his own and holds them between their chests before placing a soft kiss to his forehead with closed eyes. When he opens them again, Julian's still got a guilty expression on his face. Logan sighs and drapes one arm over his side to pull him closer.

"Hey," he says, kissing Julian's cheek and chin, and then one of his eyelids when they close. "Hey. Don't be afraid." Julian's eyes open just slightly, and Logan puts two fingers under his chin to lift it up until Julian looks at him. Logan places a proper kiss on his lips. "Don't be scared."

Logan watches as Julian's lips curve up into a beautiful, surprised smile before he nudges Logan's forehead with his own gently, wanting another kiss.

Logan cradles his face in his big warm hand like Julian's the most precious thing in the world, and obliges.

…

_Dear Julian,_

_Remind me again why you don't want me to learn sign language with you?_

_Your friend,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_Because I'm afraid I'll use it all the time instead of working on regaining my oral abilities._

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_Did you even read that note before you sent it, or – ?_

_Amused,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_No, shut up._

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_XD_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Jules,_

_Aww, c'mon. You know I was just teasing._

_Logan_

* * *

_Oh, come on, Jules. It was just so __obvious__. Admit it – you __gave__ me that one._

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_Talk to meeeeeeeee._

_Your needy friend,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_Needy boyfriend.*_

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

…_oh._

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_I had mashed potatoes today. They made me think of you. I don't know why, they just did._

_Your boyfriend,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_What exactly are you implying?_

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

…

_Nothing?_

_Confused,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_So you're insinuating neither that I have all the exciting personality of immobile vegetables nor that I possess their breathtaking aesthetic qualities?_

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Jules,_

_You are reading too much into this. They reminded me of you because everything reminds me of you._

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_So when you go to the bathroom – ?_

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_I'm trying to be romantic. Stop fucking with my plans._

_Love,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan,_

_Did, um._

_Did you just say 'love'?_

_Julian_

* * *

_Dear Julian,_

_Yes._

_Love,_

_Logan_

* * *

_Dear Logan, _

…_oh. _

…

"Oh my _God_, have you banged him yet?!"

Logan gives Derek a blank stare. "Is this how you start every conversation?"

"_Logan_. Have you fucked your boyfriend through the mattress or not?"

Logan throws his pencil into the air and catches it. "This is how you get all the girls, isn't it. Your verbal eloquence is advanced to an impossible degree."

"LOGAN. ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION."

Logan catches his pencil again and quirks an eyebrow, considering his best friend. "Why, again, is it imperative for you to know this?"

Derek groans. "Because the sexual tension between you two is strong enough to fuel those planes Sarah Palin uses to hunt wolves and if it exists even when you two are fucking I need to know so I can start filling out papers to transfer to a school where I won't have to endure it _forever_."

Logan scratches out an answer to problem 5a. "You know, the more our friendship progresses, the more I get proficiently adept at blocking you out entirely. It's almost amazing."

Derek spreads his torso out across the table dramatically, reaching toward his friend. "Logan, I beg of you, answer me so I can make plans for the next two years of my life."

"Year and a half."

"_I will eviscerate you in your sleep, do you hear m – _"

"Logan?"

The boy in question looks up to see David walking into the room, gesturing toward where Julian is standing at the entrance of the parlor with a smile. "I think there's someone here to see you."

As David goes to sit with Drew Logan feels a smile start to cover his face and he gathers his materials efficiently so he can sling his messenger bag over his shoulder. Ignoring Derek's outcries – "Logan! No! Come back here and answer me, God damn it! _Logan!_" – he makes his way over to Julian and cups his face, kissing him briefly. When he pulls back Julian looks slightly pink and very pleased. Logan smiles and takes his hand, swinging it back and forth between them as they walk.

Behind him, he can hear Wes' tentative inquiry after Derek's state of mental well-being from where he's sat down next to him and Derek's loud reply ("NO I AM NOT ALL RIGHT." There's a murmured question after that and then – "BECAUSE OF CAVITIES. AND SARAH PALIN").

"So," Logan says as they walk up the stairs, ever aware of how warm Julian's hand feels. "Whose room are we going to?"

Julian glances up at him and opens his mouth, pausing for a moment before snapping it shut again as a look of defeat flickers across his face. For an answer, he tugs his boyfriend down the hallway that's to the right of the fork they come to, indicating that he wants to go to his own room. They climb up another short flight of stairs, turn left, and walk a few yards until Julian pauses and lets them into his room.

While Julian shrugs off his jacket and drops his keys into a bowl to the left of the door, Logan falls down on his bed with a little "oof," taking the time only to maneuver his shoes to the floor using only his feet. His face breaks into a huge grin when Julian comes up to him in socks and flops down so that he's half on top of him on the bed, pushing Logan's hair away from his forehead so he can kiss the smooth skin. Logan's hands go to his hips and he kisses the brunet's hair.

Julian chews on his lip and then props himself up to reach over toward his desk for a pencil and the pad of paper he keeps there. Logan shifts so that he's sitting against the wall with his long legs sticking out over the edge of the bed and watches Julian, who joins him by sitting against the wall to his right a few seconds later.

_I heard what you were talking about with Derek_, he writes, and shows it to Logan. Logan smiles and tugs him closer with an arm around his waist, kissing his hair again. "Yeah, sorry about him. He gets intense when he's upset, and I think he's in denial about a sexuality crisis."

Julian raises an eyebrow.

"Sebastian Smythe. Long story."

Julian smiles and scribbles something else.

_I was thinking about it, though, and I decided I don't want to do that with you until I can speak to you._

He pauses, gnawing at his bottom lip before glancing up at Logan hesitantly and writing something else.

_You deserve better._

Logan frowns. "What – no, don't say that. Better than silent sex or better than – you?"

Julian doesn't answer, just stares down at his fingers curled limply in his lap.

"Oh, no. No. Jules, don't think that. Don't ever think that, okay?"

Julian gives a half-hearted shrug and Logan growls, low in his throat. He grabs his boyfriend's hands and looks him straight in the eyes.

"This is not up for discussion, Julian. Do you hear me? I'm not going to let you think of yourself that way."

Julian grasps the pencil like a security blanket, avoiding Logan's gaze by staring down at his hands as he presses the tip of the utensil into his left palm, leaving little grey marks.

Logan makes a noise of frustration. "Listen. There is nothing _wrong_ with you. You are not inferior. You are not weak. You are not incompetent. You suffered through a trauma and it screwed with your head, but it didn't make you any less human. It just disordered your brain. But no one_ blames _you."

Julian glances up at him.

"Do you get that?" The blond's hand goes up to cup Julian's face. "You're a _person_, Julian, not a condition. So don't you dare go around thinking people deserve better than you, and don't ever think _I_ deserve better. I wouldn't be sitting here telling you this if I thought you were anything less than perfect."

Julian's eyes fill up and he blinks. He glances toward the pad of paper and sets the pencil down on top of it, rolling it back and forth nervously and worrying at his bottom lip before letting go shakily and chancing a look back up at Logan.

"Thank you," he whispers.

…

"Logan. You never answered me."

* * *

"Logan."

* * *

"Logan."

* * *

"_Logan_."

* * *

"Why am I even friends with you."

"Derek. Stop trying to talk to me when I'm writing a paper blaming everything on the Man. You're a distraction. And not the sexy kind."

"I hate you so much right now."

…

Julian tugs Logan into the room behind him, closing the door gently once they're both inside. He takes a deep breath and turns back to the blond, who is looking confused. He gives him a little smile and Logan returns it hesitantly.

"What's up, Jules?"

Julian reaches forward to hold one of Logan's hands between his two own and takes a few deep breaths as if to ground himself, closing his eyes. Then he looks up at Logan and tries a little smile before turning him around and pointing to a white chair in the middle of the room.

"Sit?"

Logan squeezes his hand, proud, and goes to sit. When he looks up, Julian is standing in front of him, hands clasped together, taking deep breaths. Seeming to change his mind at the last second he looks around and, seeing another chair, drags it over to where Logan is sitting so he can be across from him. He reaches forward to hold one of the blond's hands in his two own again.

Logan watches as he steels himself, connects their eyes, blinks, and speaks.

"I love you."

Logan blinks, and blinks again, feeling like his chest has been taken over by some kind of winter storm (whatever that means). Julian is looking at him so hopefully, and Logan does the only thing his brain can come up with: he tugs Julian close and kisses him.

.

As it turns out, having a vocabulary isn't that important when it comes to having sex.

Which Logan always knew, of course, but why would he want to shame Julian for feeling uncomfortable without one?

He guesses there are just some things that make having a speech disorder so much easier (or at least less impeding), and falling in love is one of them.

Also, words just kind of slip out during sex. Out of Julian, that is. (Logan's name gets repeated a lot. Which is definitely not something he's complaining about.)

Logan feels a bit guilty that he's not paying attention to this as much as he feels he should, to how well Julian is doing with regaining his speech after not only one but two traumatic experiences, but can you really blame him for having a really hot boyfriend who reacts incredibly to every single thing Logan does to him?

It's fascinating. Logan watches the shivers run up his spine as he says Logan's name (and "oh." Lots of "oh"s, as if he's surprised it could feel this good) and arches his back, eyes rolling into the back of his head. (It's very satisfying. His ego is pleased.)

But the most captivating part of it all is watching Julian afterward, when he has his fingers curled on top of the sheets and his head on a pillow, eyes gently closed. Logan tries to watch him without looking like a creeper. (Julian doesn't catch him looking. Usually.)

Julian will generally fall asleep. Fall asleep or smile, still, completely exhausted.

Which is why Logan is so surprised when the brunet opens his eyes, some months later, and says, "Would you still – be with me if – " before swallowing and finishing with "if I couldn't speak at all?"

"Yes," Logan replies without hesitation.

Julian speaks through his post-coital satisfaction more frequently after that. Sometimes Logan prompts him. One time, he rolls over so he can face Julian and props himself up on an elbow. "Penny for your thoughts?" he asks.

Julian smiles. "I'll sell them for a dollar."

Logan pokes his side. "Um, rude. You know I'm going broke buying you all those lollipops you love so much."

Julian just simpers. "Are you really complaining about me sucking things?"

"Oh, you think you're so cocky, don't you. Come here – "

Julian gives out a delighted shriek and struggles to squirm away as Logan attacks his ribs with tickling. "No – no – Logan – stop, you beast!"

For the first time, Logan hears Julian's laugh.

It's beautiful.


End file.
